Life With(out) You
by JollyMolly
Summary: "They just couldn't be without the other one. Both of them lived for that secret word, getting through the days just to be again, to be alive again." Changed to in-Progress
1. Chapter 1

**Characters are not mine.  
Just a little something I had thought off today.**

"Holy shit!", Jane exclaimed as she left the interrogation room. "We got him?" Frankie sat on Korsak's chair. "What the-. What are you doing here?", Jane's anger from the fight with their suspect hadn't subsided and was now projected onto her little brother. "Frost and Korsak decided to go home. You know, they said you were doing a hell of a job in there" He pointed at the interrogation room.

The woman ran her fingers through her curly hair. She sighed, her anger slowly transfusing into pity for her brother. "Let me guess, they asked you to stay here, telling you you could need the experience?" The younger man just nodded without understanding._ Damn, how long will it take for him to understand what people really mean._

Realization slowly appeared on Frankie's face. Not wanting for his sister to notice him being used by her colleagues, he tried to change the subject "You know, Dr Isles would've never guessed."

There it was again. Dr Isles. Her wonderful, beautiful, amazing Dr Isles, whom she had officially not seen for 5 months. Hurt was showing in her eyes. "Why do you keep mentioning her?" she asked almost weakly. Frankie, who had only tried to change the subject, felt clearly guilty. He quickly got up to grab her arm reassuring.  
"Listen Janie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." The brunette released herself from her brother's grip.

"No it's ok" she snapped. "She's been gone for months now, I really should be able to hear her name without reacting this way." "Jane, I'm sorry. My offer still stands. If you want to talk about what happened between the two of you..." Jane just nodded. If only he knew. "There is nothing to talk about. She just left one day. I'm sure she is somewhere in France or whatever." Silence filled the room.

"Anyway, to answer your question; yes we got him. He just admitted." With that she left the room.

Left behind was a thoughtful Frankie, wondering were his sister was going over weekends. She wasn't at home, he knew that much. He just hoped that Jane wasn't hurt enough to do something she would regret. The abrupt leaving of Dr Isles had left her desperate.

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Jane stepped out of the shower. She wrapped herself in a towel and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had changed during the past five months. Her already slim body had gotten even thinner, and much to her dislike her muscles had lost definition. Her face was even skinnier, and bones were sticking out everywhere. She looked older, weaker, even fragile. Her partners and her family were sick with worry over her. Angela had even thought she was fatally ill.

_I'm just missing half of me. _

She put on a tight, dark blue jeans and a purple t-shirt that showed just the right amount of cleavage. She even put on make up, wanting to be as good looking as possible for her girlfriend.

Their story was complicated.

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_Maura had prepared dinner for her and Jane. Their evening was like every other evening they spend together. Until they zapped through tv channels and ended up watching a movie about two teenage girls who explored their sexuality together. Watching the girls trying different kissing techniques, both Maura and Jane had difficulties with keeping their face directed towards the tv._

Then Maura decided to face the tension between them "Did you ever have a friend you could do things like that with?", she asked while they watched the girls touching each others boobs. "What? No? No!" Jane tried to sound shocked, but in reality she wished she had a friend like. And not just some friend. She wanted Maura to be that friend. "Have you?", she asked the blonde. Maura just shook her head. "Did you ever wish for a friend like that?", the doctor asked while turning towards her friend.

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Jane smiled at the memory of what had happened next. She wasn't entirely sure of how they got there, but suddenly they were kissing, hands were roaming and finally they ended up making love. And then Maura was gone.

There was no single piece of clothing left, her bathroom was practically empty and she had resigned from her job. There had been no note, no call, just nothing.  
And Jane fell into the deepest hole of her life. She didn't sleep any more, she didn't eat, she didn't work out.

That was until a few weeks ago she received a letter. A letter from Maura. Telling her she was sorry, that she was under protection, that no one had been allowed to know and that this was her 12th letter to Jane. It was the first that ever got to the detective. The others must have been caught by the officers protecting the doctor. Maura told her where she was and since then Jane had been spending every weekend at her now girlfriends safe house.

When they were together they lived in their own perfect world, away from reality. They build a life that wasn't allowed to exist and yet it felt so perfect. Away from that life they felt lost, they were one body, one soul. They just couldn't be without the other one. Both of them lived for that secret word, getting through the days just to be again, to be alive again.

Jane couldn't wait to hold her in her arms.

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She was constantly worried that someone might follow her to Maura, but she couldn't help returning to her again and again. Driving through the lonely roads she checked the mirrors every few seconds. No car, no motorcycle and no bike was to be seen. She drove without lights and therefore the way took over two hours, because she couldn't speed up. She didn't want to endanger herself on her way to her love.

Finally she saw a tiny spot of light in the distance. It was light that shone through a window. Maura was awake.

Jane pulled over and left her car in a good distance to the house, she would walk the last hundreds of meters. If the officers saw her she would most likely never see her other half again. She waited for the officers to walk around the house, leaving the entrance door out of sight.

She knocked ever so softy in a pattern the two of them had worked out so Maura would know it was the brunette and not some predator.

Locks were opened audibly and then the door opened slowly, a chain still stopping her to get inside.

An also now bony face peeked through the slit, lighting up at the sight of the detective. The chain was undone and Jane stormed inside, pulling the smaller woman in towards her chest.

They stood like this for hours, holding and breathing in each other, knowing their world would be ok for two days, until Jane had to leave and Maura officially didn't exist any more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Characters are not mine.  
Mild trigger warning for the mention of suicide. Nothing happens though, no one attempts.  
I'm sorry it took so long to publish this, but I am currently writing so so many stories and on top of that university started last week.  
To apologize I made this chapter somewhat longer than I planned.  
Please tell me what you think.  
I have already one more chapter mapped out, it could be seen as the ending of this story. If you want me to write more though, just tell me and I will happily continue.**

Jane returned on Monday morning. It was shortly after midnight when she and Maura had finally been able to separate, waterfalls of tears being shed. The tears lasted until the alarm went off at 7. Another day without Maura. Another day without hope.

Of course Korsak and Frost noticed, but they had stopped asking. Frankie was different. Seeing his sister that morning -eyes red, salty water almost building up too high and face pale- he dragged her into the café.

He had talked to their mother about Jane being missing each weekend, and they were equally worried about the once so strong detective.

Angela made bunny pancakes for the two of them, but as usual Jane didn't even touch hers. She wasn't hungry. She never was when Maura wasn't there with her. It was like her body rebelled against them being separated. It just didn't work without its counterpart.

"Janie you need to eat something." Angela tried again and again. "Dr Isles' disappearance has been hard for all of us, but life goes on."  
Jane wanted to scream at her. How could her mother be so blind? Life didn't go on. Life doesn't go on. What was life? Life was what she and Maura had, and without Maura there was no life.

"Jane you need to eat or you will end up like Dr Isles." End up like Maura? Angela had been convinced that the blonde had been killed since two months after she disappeared. Jane left her believing. It was true in some ways. But it wasn't only Maura who was dead. It was also Jane. The day Maura left she had stopped living. And now she knew Maura did the same. They were both dead. Jane and Maura were dead. They didn't exist anymore. They only lived when they were fused together.

Finally Frankie said something, too. "Jane has been away this weekend again. What were you doing? And where?" Jane smiled sadly. She wanted to say the truth so badly. I was alive. I was with Maura. Instead she remained silent.

Her phone rang and she left, the bunny pancake still smiling on the table.

The week went by like every other, it was lonely, grey, sad. Jane got up in the morning, put on the first things she found, didn't even look in the mirror, went to work and went to bed the moment she returned in the evening. She ate only when she felt like passing out and drank when her throat ached out of dryness.

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It was two weeks later that Frankie decided to follow his sister to wherever she was going. He lost her in the darkness though, so he thought of different ways to find her. Her cellphone was turned off, the battery removed. Her car was nowhere to be found and there were no traces of her at all.

Another week later and Frankie hid in the parking lot, waiting for Jane to arrive. When she had left her car he went up to it, placing a GPS tracker underneath it. He felt bad for what he was doing, but he needed to know where she was going. They all needed to know and everyone had agreed to his plan.

They were all worried because Jane was the only one who didn't let go. She was the only one who refused to hold a memorial service for the missing Doctor. All they wanted was for her to live on, and they needed to know what kept her from doing so.

They had different opinions on what Jane was doing from Friday evening to Monday morning. Korsak thought she was driving around, searching for her best friend, Frost was convinced she was out drinking, trying to forget, Angela was somewhere stuck between her little daughter taking drugs and sleeping around, and Frankie – Frankie never talked about what he thought. But he could see that Jane had stopped living, and he was afraid she would do anything to be with Maura again. He was afraid she tried to take her life.

Frankie would be the only one following Jane, the others didn't want to be responsible if Jane noticed.

It was 10pm when the little red dot on Frankie's laptop began moving. He waited for 15 minutes before mimicking the route. After leaving the city he turned off the headlights, afraid Jane could see them on the wide field they were currently driving on.

After two hours of driving, his car came to stop next to Jane's. At first he was confused, thinking he had lost her again, but then he saw the tiny lights in the distance. Getting closer he noticed the two officers, who looked tired as hell, and his sister getting to the door without them noticing. The door opened and Jane was pulled inside, but Frankie couldn't see who the other person was.

It didn't take long for him to convince the officers that he was there to back them up so they could rest for some time. When they were out of sight he knocked on the door. When there was no reaction he knocked again, yelling out for Jane this time. He heard sobs from the other side, some belonging to his sister and some he couldn't really place.

Ever so slowly the door opened. At first he didn't recognize the woman in Jane's arms, but then he saw it. The woman was a very thin and unhealthy looking Dr Isles, matching Jane's appearance. Frankie closed the door behind him, neither woman talking to him.

"This is it" Jane whispered in between sobs. "They are going to take you away now." Maura pressed Jane even harder into herself. "I can't live without you.", she cried. The taller woman placed kisses all over the blonde's head. "I know. I can't live without you either."

And then Frankie understood. The way they were entwined, the way they were glowing even though they cried – they were one. And Jane finally looked alive again.

Suddenly Maura's expression changed. Anger rose within her and without letting go of the brunette completely she hit Frankie. "How dare you come here and destroy our life?" she screamed at him.

After some more time of Jane and Maura crying into each other they sat down on the couch, inviting Frankie to sit with them.

"What are we going to do now?" Jane asked without really expecting an answer. "How about we talk?" Frankie suggested. Both women nodded yes. Maura began to explain. "It was the day after Jane and I got together." Frankie smiled slightly. _That_ explained a lot. "I was home alone and before I left for work a group of officers and agents turned up. They told me there was something going on with my father and they had to take me under protection. I still don't know what exactly happened, they said it was too dangerous for anyone to know." Sobs were building again.

"They also said it was more than likely for me to be kept for the rest of my life, so I had to decide what you should think about my disappearance. They gave me some options. Having been kidnapped or killed, having left with a man or having just left without a reason. I had to resign that morning, get my most important things and then we left. And I couldn't even leave a note for anybody."

The sight in front of him broke Frankie's heart. Both watery pairs of eyes held so much pain thinking about the day Maura left. He knew what happened to Jane, and he was sure Maura went through the same struggles.

"Maura wrote me letters" Jane continued. "But it took months for one to finally get to me. The others were caught. I went here every weekend. Frankie I can't live without her." He sighed. "I can see that. And now that I was here they are going to take you somewhere else?" Maura nodded while tears were streaming down her face. "We – we never thought someone would find me here, but we planned for this occasion." Frankie's face showed confusion.

"If they are going to take Maura away, I will never see her again. They will make sure of that." She swallowed hard. "If they are going to separate us, we won't be able to live. You know what I am like when she's not there. She is the same. Frankie we would rather die than go on like that." Frankie nodded slowly. "So you plan on killing yourselves?" Silence answered more than words ever could.

That was when Frankie decided he would do anything to protect the women. And if it meant to tell his co-workers and family he didn't find Jane. "There has to be another possibility." Jane dropped her head. They talked through every idea that came to their minds.

"Frankie, it's ok." Jane said after hours of pointless brain storming. "We thought this through. It's ok. We are ok with it." He just shook his head no. Like a bolt of lightning an idea came up. "Jane, let me do this. I know what to do. Can you stay here one more day?" He asked the blonde. She nodded. "And can you come home with me for one more day?" He turned to his sister. She immediately grabbed Maura's hand, fear showing in her eyes. There was no doubt the two of them had to stay together. They would fall apart without each other.

Frankie explained his plan and both women agreed to it, it was their only hope. It wouldn't take long for the pair of officers to realize they had been fooled. Frankie watched as Jane and Maura said their goodbyes. It almost looked like mother and child seeing each other for the very last time. It was like one body being pulled into two pieces.

During the car ride home Jane thought about what she wanted to say to everyone. This would be her last day with them.

She should have felt nervous, but she didn't. When it came to being with Maura, there were no second thoughts.

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Frankie had organized a family dinner for the following day, giving Jane some time until the evening, but only keeping her away from her other half for one day. He made several calls, pleased with the answers he got. A few hours before dinner he texted Jane.  
**I made the calls. The two of you are safe.**

Everyone turned up at Jane's in time, except for Angela who had been there for hours, preparing food. The sat down at the table, an uncomfortable silence engulfing them. They were all surprised to see Jane on a weekend, but they were unsure if they felt good or bad about it.

At some point Jane cleared her throat, all eyes turning to her. "I want to say some things." She breathed deeply. "I want you to understand why I can't live on like all of you did. Maura was a co-worker to some of you, a friend to others. She was a daughter to you, Ma, but for me – she was my world. The day before she disappeared, she was with me. We... we got together that night. I loved her with all that I was, I still do. When she had left, I felt like being ripped apart. I know that I should let her go, I know that I should live on, but I can't. I just can't live without her. When you say that she's dead, I feel like I'm suffocating. I just need more time than you, because when Maura left, she took my whole world with her and I refuse to believe that it's gone. I need to believe she's still there because if I don't, I would have no reason to stay alive. Thank you for listening."

There were tears rolling down cheeks, there were sobs coming from Angela and there were nods of understanding. The Jane they knew was gone forever. They either had this empty shell of what she used to be or no Jane at all.

They soon called it a night and Jane made sure to hug everyone, trying to remember exactly how it felt. Frankie alone stayed. Together they went through the apartment, getting clothes and other important things together, before putting them into the male Italian's car and driving off to the safe house. Maura and a group of agents were already waiting.

Immediately Jane and Maura were fused together, holding each other in a tight embrace. "I don't know how we can ever thank you, Frankie." The blonde said while letting go of the brunette. She pulled him into a hug, whispering thank you over and over again. "Just do what we've planned. That will be enough." He hugged both of them one last time before leaving, not knowing where they would be taken.

Jane and Maura got their new IDs and passports. Leane Michaels and Taryn Gold. They left for Europe that day.

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Angela was heartbroken when she found her daughter's apartment halfway empty the next day. She broke down and had to be put on mediation. Losing one daughter had been hard, but losing two was too much for her.

It took a few months for everyone to deal with Jane's disappearance and finally they sat down together, thinking about what to do. They talked about holding a funeral for both women, but Angela disagreed. "Jane didn't want to have one for Maura, so I don't want one for either of them."

Frankie kept his secret, even though it was hard to watch his family grieve. "Listen. We don't know if they are dead. But I know one thing. Wherever they are right now, they are together and therefore happy, and that's how we should remember them, so why not celebrate their life?" He didn't say lives on purpose. He knew they only had one.

Angela cried for hours after that, and three weeks later they buried empty coffins, creating a space to remember.


End file.
